I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize