omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
