Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize