Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
