what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
