After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
