You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
worst night to have a conscience
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize