i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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