her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
