I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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