i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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