Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize