Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
