i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
