Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
