I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
