im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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