OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
