Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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