I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
And then he peed in my hair
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