after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
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