My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
