I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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