Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
