Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
