sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize