So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
