9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
