Got a toothbrush?
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
