wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Bring me that man meat
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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