hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
