Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize