It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
