dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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