Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
