my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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