Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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