you traded sex for a burrito?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
