Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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