my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
