i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
