I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
