If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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