One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Drake has all the answers
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
