k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
