In the future we'll all be gay
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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