You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
