I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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