my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
