I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
