Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
