I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
