I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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