I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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