I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
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