i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
