not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
there is puke in my bra ... again
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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