I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
