Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
