he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
