I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
