I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
It's official drugs can't kill me
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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