My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
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