I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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