There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
