I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
