I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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