um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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