i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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