so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
