I am in a vortex of obligation.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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