there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
