I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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