I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
