dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
