Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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