Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
