i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
